Congratulations, you did it! You survived another holiday season! Isn’t it exhausting?
Don’t get me wrong. I love down time with my family. I got to play some Lego and X-Box with my kid (now that she’s getting older her toys are getting a LOT more fun). We got in some skiing and saw Star Wars (twice). Hard to beat that.
But the holidays can also be stressful. There’s the travel. If your family is anything like mine you have multiple meals that could feed small countries (I wasn’t a very good caveman this year). Then there is the stress of small talk.
I’m a natural talker. But when your brain is fuzzy from turkey, pie and whatever that jello-stuff is, it can sometimes be hard to keep the conversation going, especially with your extended family. Or kids (okay, and adults) with their eyes glued to a screen.
Leaders face this same challenge all year round. These days small talk is a lost art. But if you plan on being an approachable leader it is a critical leadership skill.
Your employees aren’t that different from your teenage nephew or your cousin’s husband. They hope for a “scripted” exchange (“wow, how about all this rain?”) and to avoid an actual conversation. Conversation can be awkward and hard, especially if it isn’t natural for you.
That’s why I was excited when I recently ran across an article with some great advice for turning small talk into a conversation. They make 3 suggestions I thought were valuable for leaders.
Suggestion 1: Share Small Details Until One Connects
During “small talk” you’ll be asked some variation of “what do you do?” and “how are you doing?” Any time someone asks one of these questions you have a choice. You can give the “scripted” answer (“I’m a lawyer” or “I’m doing good”) or you can give a little detail or story to build on the typical answer. For example, “My weekend was good but I’m a little bleary eyed. My wife and I had a Star Wars marathon to get ready for Episode 7.” The scripted response stops the conversation in its tracks. The second reveals a little about yourself. It makes an offer to the other person to connect with that detail. If that detail doesn’t spark some conversation try another until you find one that sticks.
This is similar to what we teach about the Approachability Window in the Approachable Leadership Workshop. You open your window and grow a relationship by revealing details about yourself in your “hidden” area.
Suggestion 2: Learn to Ask Relevant Questions
Often when there is a lull in a conversation we fill the space with chitchat about ourselves. Psychology Today suggests to “listen first, talk second.” Show a genuine interest and let the other person take the reins. If you ask the right questions, conversation will flow naturally.
The Three Questions of Approachable Leaders is a good starting point. You might want to tailor them a bit, but variations of the “where are you going” question are great conversation starters. You could try:
- What are you working on that’s exciting?
- Do you have anything interesting planned in the next few months?
- How are you progressing on your project?
- Have you gone anywhere fun recently?
Suggestion 3: Arm Yourself with Relevant Topics
Putting a small effort into preparing for a conversation can work wonders. Ask your employee about their kid’s Christmas program or about their house search. Not only will they be much more enthusiastic to respond than if you simply throw out a “how’s it going?” they will be impressed that you remembered and cared to ask.
This is also a great place to ask variations of the “Do you have what you need?” or “What would make work better” Questions of Approachable Leaders.
Suggestion 4: Respond to “What Do You Do?” with Something You Actually Did
In the article this more refers to the “what do you do for a living or for fun” question. The point I want to make is any time you are asked a conversational question, give detail. When people ask questions like this, they are putting themselves out there (especially when they’re asking this kind of question to their boss). Don’t dismiss that effort or devalue their interest. Take it as a freebee and jump on it.
What are YOUR suggestions for mastering small talk? Do you have any “go-to” questions that you like to ask? Share your answer on Twitter, LinkedIn, or your social network of choice by clicking one of the share buttons below.
